INTENTION

I used to be a worrier. 

My dysfunctional childhood provided many opportunities

 to hone my belief that I was somehow in control of life.

I used to think - 

I'll just keep that thought on my "WORRY LIST"

and if I think hard enough 

and figure out what bad might be coming, 

I'll be able to 

do something to prevent its occurrence. 

This was truth for me. 

Then, in January of 2016,

something not even top one million 

on my list of things to worry about 

happened.

I was diagnosed with colon cancer. 

The world paused

the walls swayed in and out

my breath got stuck in my throat.

As the doctor's words swirled

and my brain tried to wrap around what she had just said

one thing became crystal clear - 

I was not in control of life

never had been

it was time to stop focusing on worry!

Ironically, in the midst of all the 

worrisome implications of this diagnosis

 I felt 

lighter

freer

relieved

even giddy.

Whew!

Gradually over the next few weeks,

I redefined my intention for living.

No longer 

 would I exhaust my self 

believing that it was up to me to prevent

bad things from 

from happening.

To avoid feeling

anger

sadness

lonely

scared

To stop being so paralyzed 

with worry about "bad" that 

I was forgetting about "good".

My new intention was to let life happen.

To experience all that that means.

Honoring one feeling at a time

and trusting. 

The world is a place 

filled with good things happening 

- truth - 

and I was going to seek them out - 

even through cancer.

And, by golly, I was going to use quilting to do it!!!!

These are my littlebits ( usually 10x12 ish) of therapy

that I created every few weeks this past year to

help me stay focused on my intention.

This is me and my husband 

riding the waves of whatever happens 

in a boat called Hope.

One kind doctor's assistant said to me, 

"You know, chemo isn't like how they show it in the movies.

Some people sail right through." I went home and made this

littlebit of me sailing through it 

on a strong and balanced catamaran with a great sail. 

These are the chemo fairies 

that filled my insides for six months 

with their happy hardworking scrubbing.

This is the supportive path that I walk,

one step at a time,

with strong support 

from my tough Ukrainian ancestry 

(represented by nesting dolls and a 

strong ancient tree with deep roots).

This is me 

owning the courage and strength that is in me

as I dance happily in a field of flowers.

After six months of chemo 

came 28 days of radiation.

I chose to imagine

that the big loud scary machine 

was radiating love through me.

I made it!

Someone asked, "are you celebrating?"

Celebrating that I am on the curative path

having made it through cancer treatment 

with my cavemen family and princess girlfriend support?

Why YES!

YES, I AM CELEBRATING!